Sex. Is it the first thing you thought when you read the title?  You’re probably not the only one.  However, “spice” doesn’t necessarily have to be about sex.  If spice automatically means something, how spicy can it be? What it means to “kick things up” in your relationship may depend on a variety of factors, for example:

  • A couple’s age
  • How long you’ve been together
  • Whether or not you live together
  • The presence of children
  • Financial and/or time constraints

Let’s Talk About Sex

Since sex is usually connected to spice, it is a good starting point for this topic. To follow are five factors to consider:

Avoid pornography

Regardless of what you thought about the Playboy era, things have changed. Things have really changed. Internet pornography is not necessarily about “spice.” More likely, it will lead to guilt, shame, pain, unclear agreements and boundary pushing. Better idea: Write your own erotic story together with your partner. Make it about yourselves and your interests. Remember, imagination can be sexy.

Treat foreplay as more than foreplay

Physical intimacy can be limitless in its scope. It doesn’t need to follow a plan or reach an obvious conclusion.  What too many couples dismiss as “foreplay” just might be your favorite part of the night! Consider taking your time and exploring together what you each enjoy, getting to know your bodies better together. And…

Don’t make libido the only focus

Contrary to popular opinion, arousal doesn’t always coincide. What if your partner is really feeling it but you are lukewarm, at best? There’s never need for guilt or shame. Libido is fluid. You may be able to enjoy intimacy without the pressure to do more than you feel like doing. Explore. Try things you’ve never done before. This requires a little something called…


The cliche is that lust fades over time. In reality, familiarity can breed better communication. In turn, communication makes it easier to kick things up a bit. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Tell them what and how you’re feeling. Encourage them to trust you to hear them, too. Then see where it takes you.


In today’s world, hooking up is the norm. Online “dating” apps encourage casual sex. Click-bait article titles might also make you feel like you’re the only one not trying all the latest kink. Don’t believe the hype. There’s far more spice to be found in listening to your heart and body. You don’t need society to tell you what’s hot. That’s for you and your partner to decide. So, if you’re in a committed relationship, don’t worry about who’s out there hooking up. Instead, take a moment to appreciate what you have and how much you enjoy it!

10 More Ways to Kick Things Up a Bit in Your Relationship

Once you’ve begun the process of re-inventing your intimate life, there are so many more forms of spice you can introduce, e.g.

  1. Plan date nights. Get dressed up. Sometimes make it a double date!
  2. Learn a new skill or hobby together.
  3. Surprise each other with a gourmet meal, a massage, or simply by cleaning the house from top to bottom.
  4. Compliments and gratitude. If you feel something, say it. Or leave a note, send a text, or make a social media post about it!
  5. Acknowledge how you feel about your partner to others.
  6. Create weekly or monthly “check-in” meetings to talk about your feelings.
  7. Make time to unplug. No computers, TV, phones, or video games. Be present with each other more often.
  8. Remember what it was like to flirt when you first met? Start doing it again.
  9. Encourage and support each other in all you do.
  10. Never miss an opportunity to say “I love you.”


by CounselingWise on November 14, 2016