1. You’re not focusing on your own behavior

The act of blaming deflects the attention from the blamer. All eyes are on the other. When you blame the other, they may deserve it. But, at some point, it’s crucial to ask yourself some questions. Focus on you. Think about your own behavior. That is where your power lies. It’s when change begins to happen.

  1. You relive trauma

As you focus on what’s being done to you, the trauma endures.

  1. Increased stress in your life

Here’s where another painful cycle kicks in. You focus on blame. You relive the trauma. This adds up to a big increase in stress. The impact of stress cannot be underestimated. Plus, when we’re stressed, it’s so much easier to look for someone to blame.

  1. Decreased quality of health

Another part of the cycle involves physical health. The trauma and the stress will change your eating, sleeping, and activity habits. You may binge or not eat at all. Comfort or junk food may become the norm. Uninterrupted sleep is a distant memory. Exercise? Lack of sleep and poor eating habits will reduce your energy for it. Besides, who has time with all this drama happening? Start with small self-care steps but start now. If you’re at your best, this cycle is easier to tackle.

  1. You’re stuck in a state of resentment

Blame enables anger. Prolonged anger often transitions to resentment. Resentment, they say, is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die from it. Blaming is not the antidote. Solutions and forgiveness, however, can make a major difference.

  1. You can’t see productive solutions

What next? Now what? Look what he’s doing now! As the blaming cycle takes over, productive solutions seem to be invisible. Even worse, you view them as impossible and not worth thinking about.

  1. Forgiveness is no longer an option

Something else becomes seen as impossible: forgiveness. Abusive behaviors do not deserve to be forgiven. But you’ll need to forgive yourself before you can move on. This isn’t permission to go back into victim mode. Rather, it’s an acceptance that you were doing the best you could with what you knew. You didn’t “ask for it.” Life is more complicated than that. We all need forgiveness for getting overwhelmed by these complications.

Help with ending the blame/victim cycle

It’s a huge step to take. Learning how you keep blaming them keeps you a victim is a huge victory. But it carries with it lots of responsibility. You see what’s going on. You also see the next giant step: ending the cycle.

This is the ideal time to ask for help. Don’t allow any form of victimhood to creep back into the picture. Seek counseling. Learn more about yourself and your patterns. Work together to create plans and strategies. It takes strength to see your unproductive or negative patterns. You deserve help in addressing them. Take the first step now.

By CounselingWise on August 14, 2017